An open letter about my miscarriage.
I was scrolling through the notes section of my phone to find some blog post ideas, and I came across a list titled “Needs for New Baby”. Though it’s been 5 months since my miscarriage, my heart still sunk a little. We had already started making plans to move our toddler, Leighton, into the guest room and prepare the nursery. We had already asked Leighton if she wanted a baby brother or sister. We had already started telling close friends and family; after all, our last pregnancy was so healthy. What could go wrong?
Chris and I went in for the ultrasound when the baby was supposed to be about 8 weeks old, and the tech told us that she was sorry, but she couldn’t find a heartbeat. She asked if our timeline was off, but I knew it wasn’t as I had been tracking my cycles. She said that it didn’t look good, and the doctor would explain everything. However, I felt like the explanation was not clear at all.
When we got home, I dove into research mode, typing in all the information that I had gathered from the doctor and ultrasound tech. What kept popping up was “blighted ovum”, meaning: everything in my body developed as if there was a baby, but no baby had developed. From what I had read, this meant that my body decided that there was something wrong with the chromosomes and, just, discontinued. This is the most common type of miscarriage, and it happens to many women without them even noticing. However, since I was tracking my cycles to get pregnant, I knew about it. I had taken my pregnancy test as early as possible and was overjoyed by the positive result. We had seemingly gotten pregnant on our first try. Everything had been going according to plan, and I was thrilled.
Now, days after another false pregnancy test, I find myself selfishly frustrated. I want to be pregnant. I want Leighton to have a sibling that’s not too far apart in age. I want to get through early motherhood again before I forget everything. I want to plan around my busy season so that my business doesn’t suffer when I take my maternity leave.
I say selfishly frustrated because I know family and friends who have been trying to get pregnant for years. I know those who have had miscarriages later in pregnancy. I know those who have lost their child shortly after they were born. I can’t even understand that hurt and pain.
Through all of this, I am learning to trust God’s plan. As a control freak in recovery, this journey has made me feel truly helpless and sometimes hopeless, but I do know that God’s timing is perfect. I will continue into uncertainty trusting God to take care of it because it’s all I can do.
If you have gone through or are going through this heart-breaking experience, know that you are not alone. My heart breaks with you. And if you are wanting to comfort someone else going through a loss, I know that having people listen and sit in the pain with me is what helped me the most. Not trying to explain it or fix it- just being there. I am very grateful to those walked through this darkness with me and to my God who gave me an inexplicable peace during this process. I pray for all in despair to find this peace as well.